Synopsis

Creepy 50s schoolgirl WEDNESDAY ADDAMS / RAIN MAN attempts to SAVE THE WORLD by cryptically writing the dates of future disasters in a TIME CAPSULE.

When it is unearthed 50 YEARS LATER, it’s up to famous ACTOR / SHAVED LLAMA NIC CAGE and his band of SECOND-RATE ACTION MOVIE FRIENDS to prevent UNSPECIFIED FUTURE PERIL. Together they combine their powers of SKEPTICISM, ALCOHOLISM, PTSD and TERRIBLE CONVERSATION SKILLS to SAVE THE WORLD!

They fail, roll credits.

By the Numbers

  • Rings awaiting a small child’s approval: 1
  • Nic Cage films in which Nic Cage is a single dad because his wife has died: 99%
  • Peer reviewed boobs: 2
  • Nice relaxing evenings spent by Nic Cage drinking whiskey, inventing numeric conspiracy theories and ripping shit off the walls of his house: 1
  • (MYSTICAL WHISPERING): 5
  • Mystically fireproof Nic Cages: 1
  • Flaming woodland critters: 37
  • “I know you’ve just had a horrible nightmare but come with me, we’re going to stalk a dead girl’s family!”: yep, that happened
  • “♫Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but here’s my number, it predicts 174 deaths in a terrible train crash!♫”: that too
  • Nic Cage Awkward Conversation mastery level: OVER 9000!!!
  • Tube trains with Basic Physics Issues: 1
  • Solar flare-related metaplots with Basic Physics Issues: 1
  • Penalty to dodge rolls with a newborn baby in the off-hand: SIGH
  • Suspicious Pebbles of the Apocalypse: 149871
  • Spoopy newspaper cutting room: doot doot
  • Apocalyptic Shoop Da Whoops: IMMA FIIIIRING MY director of this movie
  • Times kids are left alone in cars despite the known present threat of Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer trying to abduct them: 3
  • Times Nic Cage prevents obvious acts of prophecy in order to run through a building with a crowbar: 1
  • Locations of the apocalypse suspiciously close to the heroes’ spawnpoint: 1
  • Dianas killed in car crashes without any kind of mention in the Daily Express: Incredulously, 1
  • Aliens all along: OF COURSE IT WAS ALIENS ALL ALONG
  • “Son, I love you but you have to leave with the creepy guys on the spaceship and repopulate the Earth with your 10-year-old friend. Also take these bunnies.”: Apparently
  • Aliens that transcend mortal forms to become adverts for heartburn medicine: 4
  • Nic Cage Llamas. Again.

Overall: 9/11/2001 / 5

EVERYONE ELSE
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EVERYONE ELSE
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EVERYONE ELSE
EVERYONE ELSE